The Sacred Defiance of Wanting to Be Beautiful

Have you ever tried to feel more beautiful and embodied only to discover your biggest critics were other women?

Whether it’s so-called feminists telling you you’re shallow and frivolous for shaving your legs and perfecting your make-up, or your friend saying she’s concerned about your self-worth because you won’t eat dessert, women striving to feel better in their bodies are often subjected to a new form of restriction by the very women who claim to be trying to liberate them.

And let’s break this down because authentic self-care has begun to feel almost rebellious in the face of a toxic femininity that labels women who want to take better care of themselves physically as having low self-worth.

Why is the woman who wants to eat healthier, lose weight, take care of her skin, dress beautifully, or enjoy her appearance treated as though these desires to feel beautiful are rooted in insecurity?

Why is it assumed that she is doing all of this for someone else?

When Beauty Is Treated as Performative Rather Than a State of Being

One large aspect of female toxicity is the assumption that a woman’s investment in her own beauty is merely an effort to attract the male gaze. But beauty is a state of being.

It is not necessarily a pursuit.

A woman who’s cultivated a state in which she feels beautiful may certainly enjoy being admired, just as most of us enjoy being admired in some capacity. But admiration is not the be-all-end-all of beauty because beauty is not only something that others perceive; it's something experienced within ourselves.

In fact, neuroscience suggests that experiencing beauty activates your brain’s pleasure and reward systems, contributing to feelings of pleasure and wellbeing. And because our psychological and physiological states are intimately connected, stress itself can have a deep impact upon our hair, skin, digestion, and so forth — thus, the experience of beauty is not as unimportant as so many people would make it out to be.

And it is particularly important to note that there’s a difference between performing beauty in order to obtain something and merely enjoying the experience of existing as beautiful in your own body.

What's wrong with admiring the color and clarity of your skin in the mirror? Enjoying the feeling of being fit, the ritual of applying makeup, the softness of your clothing against your body, the way you carry yourself…? Do these sensations not help us stay in the present moment? And does staying in the present moment not help us enjoy life more?

While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying your partner’s admiration of your beauty, none of these pleasures requires a man to be present for you to enjoy them.

The rejection of a woman’s own beauty because she is rejecting the male gaze is still centering men.

If I refuse to enjoy my beauty because men also may enjoy looking at me, men are still determining my relationship with my own body. Whereas, on the other hand, enjoying my own beauty centers me.

And to me, reveling in one’s own beauty is a powerful act of feminism.

When Other Women Police Self-Care

There are women who've perpetuated the cultural assumption that enjoying one’s beauty somehow undermines intelligence, seriousness, competence, or power — as though we, as women, are incapable of possessing beauty and mental or emotional strength, much less becoming more capable when we act from a state of beauty.

Even their conception of feminine power is often reduced to sexuality: The belief that using femininity to get ahead means sleeping with the boss instead of relying on her own prowess.

In the attempt to separate themselves from “girly” girls, they’ll laugh at women who love makeup, fashion, spa days, skincare, or other elaborate self-care rituals. They scoff at the woman ordering the salad instead of the meat-heavy meal. They interpret concern for appearance as evidence of shallowness.

And ironically, they’ll tell women who want to improve their diets, to look and feel better, that they need to learn to love themselves.

The rationale is backwards, as when a woman declines dessert and is told she should “treat” herself, as though eating dessert is an act of self-care. Or when a woman wants to lose weight because she feels uncomfortable in her body, and she’s told to accept herself as she is.

There’s an overwhelming amount of criticism directed toward women who want to be beautiful, eat better, and take care of themselves. Somehow, this type of self-care is seen as less valid than “treating yourself” to pies, chocolate, candy, or processed food.

But why, if we look at it objectively, are women criticizing other women as less feminist, less liberated, or less self-accepting because they want to take better care of and feel better in their bodies?

Why are endeavors — such as healthier eating, weight loss, grooming, adornment, and movement — so quickly dismissed as efforts to attract the male gaze or be “pick me”?

As though the natural alternative is to destroy one’s health and beauty with sugar-loaded, ultra-processed food and call that self-acceptance.

To be absolutely clear: There is nothing self-loving about doing something that makes your body feel worse — just as there is nothing inherently self-loathing about deciding you want to feel better.

What If Wanting to Be Beautiful Is Self-Acceptance?

At the end of the day, our quality of life comes down to how we feel. How do we feel in our bodies, our minds, and our hearts?

When we feel good in our bodies, it’s often because we feel energized, strong, comfortable, and connected. We look in the mirror and are able to admire ourselves. We enjoy our healthy skin, clear eyes, full hair, physical capability, and well-maintained figure.

When we feel good in our minds, we can think clearly and enjoy our mental fortitude. We can rely on our memories and intelligence, as well as our judgment and ability to understand the world around us.

When we feel good in our hearts, that’s because we’ve found peace and joy. We’re able to regulate our moods and have enough room for compassion, pleasure, gratitude, love, and generosity.

To me, the ability to feel good in all three spheres is the ultimate embodiment of beauty, and I don’t believe that state can exist without some commitment to authentic self-care — not self-care that is actually a rejection of men or society, but self-care in the most literal sense: Taking care of oneself and enjoying it.

Loving yourself and celebrating your body to the extent that you become fully happy to inhabit it.

A Sacred Defiance

And so, when other women react negatively to your investment in your own beauty — mislabeling it as shallowness, vanity, insecurity, an inability to accept yourself, or an attempt to attract men — I believe we must meet that criticism with a sacred defiance.

When we allow others to determine what self-love is supposed to look like, we dispossess ourselves of meaning and growth that come from living authentically.